Never Say Goodbye
by SDMaxwell
Summary: Sometimes the hardest thing you can do is let go, even if you know it things will turn out the better for it.  Doesn't involve charadeath but certainly not much better tragedy wise.  Oneshot.  Written in 2002. Complete.


Never Say Goodbye (was Loosing Duo)

SDMaxwell

Warnings: Depressing. (Even tough little ol' me started to cry.) Duo-tormenting.

And long-forgotten disclaimer: The characters don't belong to me. . .blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, and so on and so forth. You people should already know this, right?

"No!" The shrill scream echoed throughout the entire house, bouncing off walls and ringing in my ears. "Nonononono!"

I watched the other boy in front of me yank on his hair hard. I was too late to stop him from actually pulling out a small hank of the stuff. But then again, I hadn't been able to stop very much at late. And he tended to pull his hair a lot less that he banged his head on the wall, so I hadn't really been all that worried. I was now.

I knelt down next to him, pulling his hands away gently from his head, taking the hair out from between his fingers. I shook my head sadly as I caught sight of the blood oozing through the shiny strands.

I wish he doesn't have to see this when he came out of his little episodes, but he does.

And the look I always see on his face when he looks in the mirror hurts me beyond words. Every time he looks, he's changed in some small way. The first time was the worst. He cried. I didn't even know he knew how. But he did. He sobbed pitifully.

We'd had to cut his hair. God knows we hadn't wanted to. Never would we have willingly cut Duo's hair. I don't think even I would have, no matter how many times I'd complained about its uselessness.

Trowa had had to do it. I wouldn't. Quatre had been crying. No one wanted to take this last thing from Duo. The one thing he had left. We should have shaved him bald. Then he wouldn't be able to pull what was left out. Not if there wasn't any left. But Quatre had pleaded that case, telling us to leave Duo with one last shred of dignity.

And now that I've seen how Duo takes care of it when he's in a more clear state of mind, I'm glad that we hadn't. Besides which, I don't think any of us have the heart to do that to Duo.

We already know that Duo can be himself at times. He can be his same old cheerful self, even if I think it's all forced on Duo's part. But at least he can think for himself at those times. When he has one of his episodes, he can't remember who he is. Even worse, he can't remember any of us. He doesn't know that he's hurting himself. It like he tries to get away from the emptiness in his head. He bangs his head forcibly on the wall or tries to squeeze his head as hard as he can or he tries to rip out his hair, like he just tried to do. And when he returns to himself, he can't remember anything he's done. He says it's like a lapse in the time line for him. The rest of us live with the never-ending fear that he might one day hurt his brain more or he might do one last thing and fall unconscious and never wake up. We've never spoken about it but I think he does too.

I really don't know what kind of toll it's taken out of the other guys. I can't say. No one ever speaks about themselves pertaining to their own mental state in the midst of this. I do know this ordeal has given us all large amounts of patience, even Wufei. Duo was never easy to deal with but he's worse now. One of us must always be with him at all times, even when he sleeps. I take my turn during the night. I make sure he goes to sleep and I stay up all night watching him. Just watching him sleep.

When he's asleep, it's like there's nothing wrong with him. But I know better. I wish with all my heart that it wasn't so. But my wishes haven't come true. I don't think they ever will.

Duo prays. I don't know why. Maybe his Catholic heritage has taken over in his time of need. That sort of thing. He told me once he didn't believe in God. But I wonder. If he didn't believe, would he pray so fervently? Once I even saw him crying as he prayed. When I mentioned the tears, he just smiled and said nothing.

I hate to see him in such a bad state. The others do too. Quatre is trying to find a way to help make Duo Duo again. He truly believes Duo can be fixed. None of us have the heart to tell him otherwise. Trowa keeps him company. No one trusts Duo's wayward mind enough to let him pilot anymore or even to go to school. Wufei hasn't made a single comment to Duo about weakness. And when Duo had cried openly over the loss of his hair, Wufei had told him that it was okay and had given him a coiled rope. It was the American's braid, black ribbons tied at each end to keep it from unraveling. Duo had been thankful to us for "letting us keep his braid" as he had jokingly put it.

Sighing, I pulled Duo after me into the bathroom adjacent to our room. I took out a wash rag and wet it down. Duo was beside me, arms hugging himself while he swayed slightly side to side and hummed softly to himself. His big blue- violet eyes were staring at the mirror. The look in his eyes made me shiver slightly. At least he wouldn't be able to remember what he looked like right now. No one was at home in his head and his eyes were displaying a vacancy sign. The total equation added up to complete madness.

I sucked in a breath as I looked at his reflection in the cracked mirror, another casualty of Duo's insanity. He didn't recognize me at all at the moment. That blind child in this my best friend's body was frightening. At any moment he could lash out and hurt me or himself with no thought of remorse to hold him back. Or he could come back to himself just as abruptly.

When I'd had enough of Duo's vacant gaze, I turned and held the wash cloth to the newest of his wounds.

"Ow." I jerked back as Duo blinked and life suddenly sprung back into his eyes and reanimated his face. He stared at me for a long time, it was almost eternity. Then he spoke in a soft, saddened voice, "What did I do this time? Pulled out more hair by the feel of it. Maybe you should just shave it all-"

"No!" Duo jumped guiltily when I snapped. I resumed cleaning his bleeding scalp to hide my concern over this last turn of events. "G-gomen, Duo." I whispered. "I don't want you to shave your hair off. You've already lost enough of yourself as it is. No one wants to see you lose the last thing you have."

Duo's eyes were downcast as he answered me back just as softly as before, "I haven't lost everything. I still have you guys as my friends and I think that's worth more than my hair. You can't keep stopping me from ripping it out. Or stop me from banging my head on a wall again. One of these days, I'll end up hurting myself where none of you could have stopped me and I'll either hurt myself more or I'll kill myself. I don't want you to blame yourselves for that. I don't want you to carry that burden on your shoulders."

I stopped and looked down at him, "Duo? What are you saying?"

He gathered his strength and stood up straighter, "Ever since the accident, you guys have been taking care of me. You've done pretty good so far, if you ignore a few extra bumps and bruises every now and then. But one day, you won't be able to stop me from hurting myself further and you'll all blame yourselves. I don't want that. I want you guys to be able to live out the rest of your lives, however long or short that may be, without me getting in your way."

"Duo," I told him, "we aren't going to leave you by yourself." He wasn't making sense to me.

"Heero, I know you don't want me to tell you this but I think you should commit me into a mental hospital-"

"No! Absolutely not!"

"Why not? You wouldn't really be leaving me behind. You could visit me. I thought long and hard on the matter and finally decided that it was the best course of action." Duo waved his hands in the air, angrily.

"No Duo. I won't let you do this to yourself. I don't want you to be thought of as. . ."

"Insane? But, Heero. I am. That's exactly what I am. I've already acknowledged that. I can't be anything but from now on."

I looked at him hard in the eyes. He was right. I saw the truth of the matter. I realized what I'd been doing. I'd been denying that he was really never going to get better. As if I didn't acknowledge it, then it wouldn't be true. I could feel my whole body trembling as the realization hit me. I started to sink down to the floor even as I felt the hot tears stinging my cheeks. Tears? I was crying. This scared me even more. I was finally realizing that we weren't all so indestructible as I'd subconsciously believed for so long. Even the toughest of us all could be taken down.

Before I could fall completely, Duo caught me in a gently, but firm hug, "I know, Heero. It hurts. But it's true. Very true."

"I-I know. I just didn't want to voice it aloud. What made you decide to do this Duo? What made you decide to leave us?"

Duo hugged me tighter, "I was afraid I'd wake up, only to realize I'd had an episode and killed one of my friends. I don't want to lose any one close to me again. . ."

I knew this was true also. I still couldn't believe I wouldn't be able to see this joking, cheerful teenager on an almost daily basis anymore. It hurt to know that. It hurt to know I was already looking forward to seeing him within the hospital with even the tiniest bit of relief. I cried for a long time while Duo held me.

I cried for the friend I'd lost and for the past we'd never really had and for the future I had to look forward to without him. I cried for the others who knew Duo and who had known Duo who could never really know him again. Duo might still be Duo on occasions, but that was only sometimes and it was too far in between to really build a lasting friendship on. One like the one I and the other pilots had already built with him. I could feel him slipping away from us as I cried. As he cried with me. But I knew it was for the best for all of us, and I had to let him go.

Physically, if not mentally.


End file.
